Love & Relationships
Craziness of Love, Relationship and the Frenzy of the #MeToo Movement. Are we too scared to meet and fall in love due to the craziness out there today. A simple act of kindness, may get construed; a lack of attention will make you a snob and being outgoing and friendly will make you desperate…. ugh this is too much work!!
As sexual misconduct/ domestic violence continues to dominate the news and empowering many men and woman to come forward, I had a recently request to post an article on domestic violence on the blog.
Some of us have a friend or family member who is controlled by a spouse or partner — isolated, degraded, and micromanaged? Whether or not the relationship includes physical violence, he or she may be a victim of a type of abuse that is called “manipulation control.”
It is hard to watch someone you care about suffer at the hands of a controlling partner. You may feel like rescuing the victim. You may feel like killing the abuser. You may get so frustrated that you want to walk away. It may make you weep with anger or sadness.
It has been documented that, long-term patterns of abuse and control usually require long-term patterns of assistance before the victim can escape.
Isolation poses the greatest risk in manipulative control. Simply staying connected and spending time together or speaking on the phone helps isolated victims feel better about themselves. Connections with people outside the abusive relationship help them feel valued, capable, and less alone, counteracting some of the abusers’ messages.
Controlling relationships have their ups and downs. Victims will be more willing to discuss the problems openly — and think about making changes — during a phase when they feel the tension building, or immediately after they have suffered through a particularly bad episode. On the other hand, during times when controlling partners use acts of love as a way to keep them in the relationship, victims are less likely to want to discuss problems or think about leaving. The victim may love the abusive partner deeply and be focused on pleasing the partner above all else. Remember, the victim’s self-esteem has probably been hurt by the abuse and the isolation. Perhaps there is a greater risk of physical danger than you realize. The victim’s conversations, movements, and electronic communications may be monitored. You cannot “make” your friend or family member break free.
However, there are some ideas that let your friend or family member that you are there good/bad:
Let the victim know your concerns in a nonjudgmental way. Over time, if you are close enough and you are sure your conversation is not being monitored, describe what makes you concerned.
Ask what you can do to help, but do not take over. Especially when victims have children, they often worry about how they will manage alone if the relationship ends. If you can offer concrete help — such as lodging, babysitting, or money — let them know. Do not commit to more than you can actually chew.. Ask what you can do that would make their life easier and give them strength and courage to persevere.
Try to avoid telling the victim what to do. Remember, people are the experts on their own situations. The party can assess their own safety better than anyone else.
Listen to what your friend or family member wants to tell you and resist asking too many questions. Some parts of the story may feel too shameful to share until months or years have gone by.
Allow the victimized person to express a range of feelings without criticism. They may still love and miss their partner and believe the person loves them. They may wonder how they could ever survive without their partner. Reassure the victim that all these feelings are normal and will sort themselves out over time. Even if you think the abuser is simply a jerk , do not criticize too harshly or the victim may be ashamed to tell you about the ways they still feel attached. They may resent you for harshly criticizing someone they still love. Remember, the victim might return to the abuser. If they do, you want them to feel comfortable staying in touch with you.
Be careful about the advice you give. Specialist – Advocates who work with controlling and abusive relationships every day will be able to offer the best advice about safety planning. Many of us want to tell their friends to obtain a restraining order. For some victims, this is highly dangerous and leads to increased violence.
Encourage the victim to seek professional support. Even if the person has not been a victim of physical violence, an appointment with a domestic violence advocate can help them stay safe. Escort them to their first appointment if they request, but allow them to meet with the advocate alone. They may also benefit from the help of a counselor or psychotherapist who understands controlling relationships. If the victim is physically afraid, they may need to call the police. These choices are theirs to make.
When loved ones are completely under their partners’ control, there may not be much we can do other than to stay connected and softly help them see those times when the abusers’ words and actions do not match. The individual has probably been through more than we know.
Most helpless romantics advocate that love is pure, love is painful, love is sweet and love is dreadful, true love is overwhelming. Love is something we strive for and something we mourn the loss of. It often seems like our planet would stop spinning if love didn’t exist and our lives depend on it. Most of our greatest wish in life is to be loved.
But why are we conditioned to love, what exactly is it and once we’ve found it, how can we sustain it? A recent article featured some backed science facts about relationships that might just answer those questions.
Love based on psychological studies and their findings
Love is not the same as lust:
Lust plays a huge part in falling in love without question but studies have shown that they are not the same. And this might explain why one-night stands leave people feeling unsatisfied and do not progress into meaningful relationships.
Love is an intense feeling of affection toward another person. it’s a profound and caring attraction that forms an emotional attachment. While lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature that is based on physical attraction.
In studies, brain scans showed that lustful feelings light up the reward and motivation areas, whilst love is processed in the empathy and caring regions which suggest that feelings of love are more associated with compassion and understanding. Whereas, lust is fueled by incentives and driven behavior.
Love at first sight:
There have been questions like is there such as thing as love at first sight? Some studies seem to suggest that there is. In accordance with brain scans, it takes one-fifth of a second for the brain to start reacting when it sees the love of its life.
Previous research has labeled love at first sight as a “positive illusion” or a biased memory couples make in order to enhance their relationship. When a person looks or stare at a potential partner and likes what they see, the brain starts producing feel-good chemicals associated with love.
Love chemicals react to the neurotransmitters that release these chemicals are situated across 12 different areas in the brain and fire up these happy hormones.
Couple should never do / avoid:
Criticize: in partnerships, there is a particular form of criticism that is destructive and this is the type that eats away at the other person’s very core being.
Show Disrespect: showing disrespect to your partner is a major breakdown of your relationship and it includes sarcasm, belittles, eye-rolling and rude put-downs.
Be defensive: someone who is constantly being defensive is one that cannot take responsibility for their actions. Therefore you cannot possibly move on.
Stonewall: when a problem occurs and a person refuses to discuss the problem, there is absolutely no chance of ever getting it resolved.
It takes hard work to keep a relationship going:
Once your Mr. or Mrs. Right has been found, it is not all plain sailing until the pair of you die in each other’s arms. In a good long-term relationships studies has shown a pattern of behavior whereby both couples were supportive of their partner and helped with their personal growth and happiness.
Togetherness, it involves shared experiences where the two could enhance their own knowledge. So in reality, If your relationship is stagnant and you no longer feel the same about your partner, try doing activities together that you both enjoy and be sure to praise your partner’s efforts.
