How to know when your relationship is over??
There is no formula, but there are signs …
signs we sometimes don’t want to see??
As the song goes, breaking up is hard to do. Maybe you’re someone who is hanging on for dear life wondering how to know when a relationship is over. Or maybe you’re the one who feels like the relationship has run its course. Either way, reaching that point is no simple feat.
I can still detail my first truly terrible breakup. I was taking care of my dad, as he had taken very ill a few years before, when my then-boyfriend texted me, innocently, asking if we could talk. And I took it far from well—within 24 hours, I found myself crying and feverishly shopping with no real need, shopping away my own heartbreak as my friends metaphorically dumped on the wilting rose of my first Real relationship.
At the time, I said that I didn’t see the breakup coming and had been blindsided by his decision after nearly two years of seeing each other / dating whatever the term is. Months later, however, I’d replay the moments leading up to the breakup, plucking red flags from my psyche—even the ones I had raised myself.
Odds are, you may have felt (or currently feel) the same way. After reading many self-help books and listening to podcasts on a variety of relationship experts, here is what I gathered that will help you know when your relationship is over.
When Is It Over??
There is no hard and fast sign indicating that a relationship is over. We’ll start by saying that there is not a catch-all sign that tells you, point blank, that a relationship is over… No one can say for sure these are the things that mean a relationship is good, and these are the things that mean a relationship is bad.
One person in the relationship is totally checked out
Some say -invested partners aren’t paying attention. You might notice they’re spending more time answering emails or perusing Facebook. Maybe you realize that you haven’t gone on a date in a while. And this doesn’t necessarily mean a date where you spend money. Rather, it’s spending intentional time doing something that gives attention to the relationship.
Ultimately, someone decides a relationship is over when they can’t be bothered to participate and or are no longer willing.
When one person checks out of the relationship, the relationship blows up, because the relationship is built on two people. Therefore, when one person has already bailed, it’s incredibly difficult for the other one who wants to stay, sustain it by themselves. Many experts say it’s not impossible, but it’s very rare. It’s highly unlikely that one person can nourish a relationship on their own.
Certain behaviors might indicate that one person is investing less in a relationship
In research the work of Dr. John Gottman, who launched the world’s first couples laboratory—the Love Lab—at the University of Washington in 1986. Dr. Gottman developed a plan “four deadly sins that [unravel that] we need to break up,” which Gottman called the “Four Horsemen:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Partners criticize when they critique the person, instead of the behavior they take issue with. They show contempt when they put the other person down, and act defensively when they play the victim in order to place blame on the other. And finally, partners stonewall by withdrawing from the other person and refusing to engage.
One expert noted that partners on the brink of reevaluating a relationship keep talking about the relationship, but don’t do the work. Other behaviors include “unwarranted fighting,” or fighting in ways that involve bullying, blackmail, or not admitting you’re wrong. Partners also don’t know when to leave an argument before “things get bad,” or before it crosses over into harmful territory. Everyone argues, but unhappy people sometimes just don’t know how to stop.
A partner may not want to spend time with you and find excuses not to be around; or might withdraw physically or emotionally. They may display cynicism about the relationship, or relationships in general, such as Wow, look at that couple making out over there. They’re so cute, but they’re going to learn how that ends.”
One partner just isn’t ready for what the other partner wants
Sometimes you’re just not ready for what your partner is ready for, like marriage or having children. That doesn’t mean the relationship is bad, but if you’re on different pages regarding life changes, things are going to be “difficult,” to say the least.
You may love your partner, but this breakup may still be necessary, even if it’s difficult.
Relationships evolve. They start going down the hill, you can’t stop them at some point without destroying it.
You stop communicating about important feelings and stressors
A person in a shifting relationship may also start seeing their partner’s advantages as their own fatalities, instead of not caring who “wins” or “loses.” In some relationships, experts noted that people might stop talking to each other about stressors. That may seem good at first, but it’s been noted, that the things that stress us out are probably the most important to talk with a partner about. Feeling a relationship is “hopeless” may also be a predictor.
People will end up saying, ‘Well, we’ll never agree on how I spend money, let’s just not talk about it or drop it. Or, ‘We’re never going to agree on sex, let’s just not have it anymore.’ And you just wear each other out, because those are the things that you must work through to keep the relationship going.
Verbal abusive relationship and physical abusive relationships, are clearly signs you want to be careful of those are signs that the relationship is “really bad.”
You might love your partner, but love alone isn’t enough to save a relationship
Adult relationships are entered in without tools, resources, or guides—nor do we often receive adequate relationship education—we don’t invest in relationships as we should. Instead, society tells us to value money more than love and invest more in business partnerships. This leads us to spend more time and energy on work than romantic relationships. We do not see that this is inappropriate or wrong, but it’s an observation of what we value societally. Experts say love isn’t enough.
Making emotional communication and self-inquiry a priority, its hard but a must for relationship survival. These things are crucial to sustaining a friendship, a business relationship, and an intimate partnership… We’re tricked into thinking that love is enough—it is not, it’s not enough. We need skills, we need energy, we need commitment to keep things going, because relationships are not for the weary,” As I read, “It’s not for the faint of heart.”
Some people may expect that things will just “fall into place,” there must be a plan to make the relationship a priority. The excuse that you’re too busy right now doesn’t fly either. This is how life works, and if you wait for the “perfect” time to work on your relationship, you’ll wait forever because there never is a perfect time.
Your smaller arguments feel like a manifestation of other issues
You may be arguing, but you might not necessarily be indicating the “real” issue that you’re facing within your relationship. Couples don’t necessarily argue about issues challenging the relationship. They might be arguing about the towel on the floor or the cup in the sink, but it’s a manifestation of other problems. Everyone argues in a relationship. The differences involving relationships that may need work, however, is that couples fight unfairly and don’t know how to exit an argument before it becomes troubling.
Signs to Watch For
Cheating isn’t necessarily an indicator that a couple will break up
Cheating, or getting the sense that your partner is interested in someone else, may mean that your partner is no longer interested in the relationship. There are polyamorous relationships and open marriages, so if this is for you be mindful of that.
Cheating doesn’t indicate that a couple will no longer stay together. In my opinion, I do not recommend that couples cheat— it’s hurtful to both people involved—but some partners have been documented in my readings that they have upfront agreements with this. “I can’t tell you right or wrong about those things,” my standpoint is NO CHEATING!
People will only put up with something harmful for as long as they can
Most seen when relationships are violated, the people in them must find ways of coping if they don’t want to end it. You can choose to be unhappy about it or find ways of mitigating this action. If your partner cheats on you, you may not want to break up, but you justify the cheating by saying the partner was insecure, or under a lot of stress, or drunk.
Relationships don’t have to be in dire straits for partners to cope rather than compromise—everyone does it. One party may instigate a fight, while the other copes by saying that their partner was “just tired.” Or a partner copes with behavior by saying, “At least they’re trying,” or “They don’t do it as much as they used to.”
However, if you’re continuously “dealing” with a partner’s behavior or you’re nearing your breaking point, chances are you’ll only put up with a behavior for as long as you can. And then one day you can’t anymore. No one else can determine when that “one day” is for you, though. And that’s okay everyone has a different braking point.
Compromising is often done by women more in relationships. Compromising is a “wonderful” quality to have in a relationship. However, if you’re always doing the compromising, you become resentful or a place of resentment, speak up for yourself and ask to have a conversation.
“Yes, you pick and choose your battles” …But if there is something that is bothering, get ahead of it before it festers.
Your partner might not give you everything you need
“Despite” these indicators, it’s up to the people in the relationship to make the relationship that they want.
Relationship experts clearly indicate that a relationship is about finding the partner, or partners, who share your values, and who are at least on a similar page as you. You may not have all your needs met by one person and may “outsource” some of those needs to other people, such as friends or family.
“The relationship doesn’t mean the marriage is over just because one of you doesn’t enjoy the gym,”. Don’t be afraid to outsource some of those things. You can’t get everything from just one person. Make this activity is something you do with friends.
Some couples are more comfortable with a relationship closer to those of roommates. Some find it easier to “navigate thru daily life” in a relationship that lacks an emotional connection. And that’s OK—that’s just a reality.
Your breakup should be yours and your partner’s decision alone
Every couple has their “deal,” and its ok. No one can judge your deal, no one needs to understand why the two of you are together, but it works out for you in some way, shape, or form.
Ask yourself what’s worth saving about the relationship. By asking yourself or couples to evaluate their relationship or your relationship, it forces them or yourself to take ownership instead of relying on ideas that they “must” stay together for whatever reason.
You can break up sanely and maturely
Choosing to break up—or being broken up with—doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of love.
If you believe you may be headed for a breakup, know that the pain of the breakup will get better ease. A breakup isn’t a failure. The fairytale idea of meeting “the one” is “exceptionally rare,” and isn’t necessarily a goal we should be striving for, being open is important and being able to comprise is key to success.
Individuals shouldn’t do something that they’ll be embarrassed about months later. It is important to create a support network for yourself. If you have times of depression after a breakup or feel like harming yourself, please reach out to someone.
Just be kind to yourself, is the big secret in any breakup. And be kind to the other person as much as you can. Even though they’re a jerk, it wasn’t necessarily them alone that did this.
If you or someone you know is being harmed, please use the link below
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/ma/boston
There are currently 10 domestic violence and abuse shelters and programs in Boston, MA with 4 offering a hotline and 6 offering emergency shelter. Outside of this city and still nearby, you can also find help at these 53 domestic violence and abuse shelters and programs in places like Cambridge, Somerville, and Chelsea. If you have questions, consider reading these domestic violence facts and statistics, our archive of 813 domestic violence articles, recommended books on domestic violence, or these insightful stories about domestic violence survivors.
Stay Safe Be Strong ..
Ciao
Joanna Picardi